… don’t be surprised.  It is normal, in human relationships.  In my last newsletter I talked about the concept of non-violent communication and how it can help to effectively express your needs from an understanding of your inner self.

It is difficult enough to get this right, especially in high-stakes situations.  Which is why I suggest negotiation of meeting schedules as a practice ground.  It is something that most people relate to and often have noticed some feelings that they can start working with.  Start reading this newsletter, if you want to catch up.

Ultimately you will end up in a situation where you notice that someone else has the key in their hands to make your and possibly everyone’s life better.  It is great if you gained the clarity and the confidence to explain this situation, but – whether you are the CEO or the janitor in your organization – there is no guarantee that this someone will actually turn the key.

Yes, relationships are hard.  And let’s pick up on last week’s example, and assume you told a meeting owner: “I promised to deliver a plan by next Monday, but we are not in the situation to make a decision right now. I have heard that some people have been in meetings since 7am. I need to know when we can discuss this matter together with the capacity it requires to make a decision, and I don’t want to postpone the decision by more than a week.”

Of course, you want to have a solution right away, ideally one that respects both your boundaries and your requests.

But more likely, you’ll get into negotiations, because your requests or boundaries will stir up some emotions in the other person or team.  And that’s normal, because of course, it is naive to think that your boundaries and requests work for everyone else around you.

I find this quote really helpful when thinking about the negotiation of boundaries:

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.

– Prentis Hemphill

Likely, the first boundary that you set works for you, but not the team.

The best you can hope for is that the team acknowledges your request, understands it, feels how it encroaches into their space, and starts negotiating from there.  To embrace this best case scenario, it is a good idea to end every request with an offer for help: “Let me know if this is possible for you or if you need any help figuring out a solution.”

If the team cooperates you will learn something important. Perhaps the people you are dealing with are systematically overworked and it is not their own fault:  Perhaps less important goals that shouldn’t be prioritized create unnecessary pressure on the team.  What is the root cause of this?  A different overworked manager that micro-manages?  Maybe some missing alignment with the overall company strategy?

Often setting and communicating a fist boundary puts the finger in a wound that has been unnoticed for a long time.  If that is the case:  Congratulate the team and yourself because you uncovered something that would have grown into a bigger disaster than a missed deadline if it had stayed unnoticed.

Of course it requires collaboration between all team members which is not always possible – because we are human.  And while everyone is doing their best, under stress, humans are not always honest, they don’t always speak up.  They might hide facts that feel uncomfortable to share, they might even make up lies.  We all have our weak points and traumas.  For some people it was safer in their childhood not to speak up about things that require changes in the behavior of parents, or covering up mistakes was safer than telling the truth.

Accountability is the gift that gets us out of there, and helps us grow.  Therefore write down agreements and boundaries that you agree upon with your team.  I will write another newsletter about accountability.

When you cannot agree on a common boundary?

And sometimes it is not possible to come to an agreement that really works for both parties.

Of course, a business relationship is not like a marriage in which both partners commit to support each other through all of their past and current trauma.  It is a relationship based on the agreement to work on some common goal.  If one party loses the trust in achieving this goal together, it is time for a change – if you want to stay in integrity.

Either by leaving the company, or – if you have this position of power – parting with the team member that you are losing trust in.  As tough as it is, being clear about your requests and boundaries and its relationship to the business goals, and having communicated all of it clearly throughout the process, is crucial in making the hard decision to let go of an employee, if you want to be a heart-led leader.

In case a firing/layoff is the final result, it will also help in conducting this process without making it harder than necessary on either of the people involved.

Breaking up relationships is a difficult, but necessary part of being a leader.  Even if you never have to do it, it is always important not to fear the possibility. 

Reflections of the day

• Can you make a confrontational request with enough space for the response?  Do you embrace the learning potential?
• Do you feel comfortable pushing back against someone else’s request or boundary?  If not, what is holding you back?

With care,

Martin